It’s been a while. (Congrats if you just sang that out loud – ten bonus points.)
So, tell me, how have you been, what have you been up to? Really? Never, you don’t say! How did you get permission to do that? Well, I didn’t think you had it in you. Sorry, who said what? Well, I hope you put them straight, it’s been years since you carried on like that. Yes, I know I promised to forget about that unfortunate affair, but you brought it up. You did, I’ve never spoken of it since, apart from at your sister’s party last week. There’s no need to speak to me like that, I’ve got feelings, you know.
Enough of the nonsense. Allons-y!
Schlock: B-Movie Magnate
This is totally my vibe. I spent my teenage years eating up as many mad movies as I could consume. VHS video was a lucky dip back then, with only a gaudy cover and a lurid description to judge a two quid rental by. BBC2 had all the Hammer horrors, Channel 4 had Godzilla and Kung Fu, and life was an awesome pick and mix of the terrible and the great. But if I’d been a bargain basement film producer, what mad nonsense would I come up with?
B-movies are the best movies, guys (B for best, see?) and audiences began flocking to them in the 50s. They were made on the cheap but with bags of enthusiasm - and it's your turn to feed the audience's desire for wild thrills! You and your opponents are in a race to complete and release exciting, low-budget B-movies. You'll use your influence around the backlot to acquire villains and locations, and give your movie titles enough flavour to attract that audience. There's three genres to fulfil - Sci-Fi, Western or X-treme (oo, let's try a bit of that). There's three audience types to match these genres, and you'll want these to align with your finished film if you're going to get the good points. The best titles will be scored as well - Revenge of The Board Hoard might get me a couple of points, but perhaps I could push it a bit further: Return of the Revenge of The Board Hoard Part II - Here Comes The Bride.
This one hasn't gone all the way over the funding line yet, so now's the time to give a golden era of cinema some love and see if you've got what it takes to be the next Ed Wood. Go check it out here.
Kohaku: Reprint and Expansions
Time for a subtle change of theme. Let’s have some fish. In fact, let’s have some fish in a pond. That’s always nice. Unless the fish are Koi and they are in your neighbour’s pond and one of your cats is a mindless rogue and you wander into the kitchen one day to find said cat standing over one of the aforementioned Koi as it flaps and slaps around on the lino. Yeah, nice.
Kohaku is a peaceful koi-pond-building, tile-laying game. Each turn, players will draft both a Koi and a Feature tile from the central pond board to place into their personal koi pond.
In the original (and reprint) of the base game, you score points by surrounding flowers with koi containing matching colors, placing frogs next to koi tiles that have dragonflies, and ensuring that baby koi have a safe place to hide by placing them near rocks. Butterflies score based on line of sight, so make sure to line them up with similar-colored koi. Turtles and statues bring a sense of balance to your pond and score points more easily, but sometimes aren’t as valuable as some of the other features.
You must carefully plan the placement of your tiles, because once they are in your pond, they can’t be moved! With no restrictions on the shape of your pond, you can build a unique layout to maximize your koi pond’s appeal.
The Big Pond Expansion, meanwhile, introduces new fish and decorative features for your koi pond that can be used alongside those in the base game. Additionally this expansion contains an entirely new way to play Kohaku. Rather than each player building their own pond, you will place your tiles into a shared tile tableau. Featuring a new drafting system and additional ways to score, there's tons of fresh strategy to explore.
This one has swam past its funding target, but there’s still time for you to stick your toe in. Check out this page.
Hamsterium
Craving something a little… different? Don’t worry, I got you.
Let’s dig into the back story first. There's a planet out there somewhere without humans as the apex creature - hamsters got there first (good on them, bet they're doing a better job than us). For awhile they lived a leisurely, carefree life (of course they did), but eventually they built structures and started businesses (oh dear, this is how you end up with capitalism), leading to prosperity, and eventually an urge to sail into the stars (because what else would hamsters dream of?). And we can help them get there!
Hamsterium is a worker placement game about hamsters exploring space. Of course it is. Send your hamsters to various facilities to gather resources, upgrade your laboratory, and launch drone hamsters into space. Drone hamsters. Think about it. (Also, I don’t think I’ve written the word ‘hamsters’ this often in the entirety of my writing career.)
Manage your energy carefully, overcome incoming asteroid threats, and take on missions to discover new celestial bodies and recover out-of-place artifact tiles. Aim to earn more victory points than anyone else! Beneath its cute and charming visuals lies a game full of deep strategy and meaningful decisions.
Fair warning: shipping for this one is serious. You’d best have a serious taste for quirky Japanese board games if you’re going to stump up. A fair bit of patience as well, I suspect. But don’t let anyone say the Board Hoard isn’t varied! Check it out here, fall in love with the hammys, convince yourself its fine, you can afford it, then sit back and wait for the regret to kick in.
Catan On The Road
Catan is somewhat on the famous side in Board Game circles. It was a gateway game for many (mine was Horrified (yeah, I know you know, watch the attitude)), and I only got round to playing it last year. My only issue was the dice roll for resources – if Lady Luck doesn’t like you today, then you ain’t gettin’ much and there’s nothin’ you can do about it. Along comes a pocket version, then, which is compact, quick and – to make itself even more appealing – ditches the dice…
Obviously there’s a fair few differences between the big box original and the condensed travel version. OG Catan is a board game with hex tiles, dice, and wooden pieces. On the Road is entirely card-driven with no board, making it highly portable. Instead of rolling dice for hex production (a part of the original that many people seem to dislike (me included)), players draw resource cards at the start of their turn.
Trading is more central, and trading on another player's turn rewards you with extra resources, so there's a benefit to remaining constantly engaged in the gameplay, and possibility an opportunity to cut in on other players' deals. The trading and building phases are combined, allowing more flexibility in order of actions.
When it comes to building, the settlements, cities, roads, and knights are built from a shared, rotating market of cards rather than occupying physical space on a board. The biggest difference is in gameplay length. On the Road is designed as a filler game lasting around 15 minutes, whereas the original Catan usually takes 60-90 minutes.
If you’re in the mood for a more portable, faster acting destroyer of families and friendships, then grab a copy right now.
Flip Pick Towers
I can’t draw. There, I’m laying it all out on the table. ‘Anyone can draw,’ says some wise guy at the back. I’m telling you that’s a load of old cobblers. I could draw a stick cat, show it to you, ask you what it is, you say it’s a stick cat, and I’ll say are you taking the mick it’s clearly a stick man, because that’s what I was trying to do in the first place. This next game should be an absolute breeze for me, then.
Create Your Own Fairy Tale Castle: Take the role of magical architect and draw whimsical towers to meet to the demands of the fussy nobles who wish to move in – but take care to avoid the mischievous dragons trying to thwart your plans!
This flip & draw game lets you craft delightful little worlds filled with princesses, beanstalks, centaurs and more. With simple rules, this is easy to learn, and infinitely replayable: Simple rules make it quick to pick up, while a huge variety of scoring objectives ensures every playthrough feels fresh and different.
In the box you’ll get 65 tower cards, 30 objective cards, 3 noble cards, 6 pencils, a drawing pad, and a full rulebook - ready to play right out of the box.
This one’s quite buzzy at the minute (and it’s all over Instagram), so if you’re in the mood for a (Prince) charming twist on roll & write games, head here for more info.
Frosted Blooms
Amsterdam! When I say it, what do you think of? Anything naughty, move along, I’ve no use for you. I think of pedalling around Vondelpark on a spring day with a powder blue sky, I think of night-time cruises along the calls as fairy lights tinkle across the water, I think of the dazzling colours of the Flower Market with its banks of proud tulips. If only there was a game that could evoke some of these feelings…
Check out the scene setting from the publisher, and tell me this doesn't make you want to dive right in:
In the soft dawn of a Dutch spring, the last breath of winter lingers in the air, leaving a delicate frost upon the awakening fields. But beneath this shimmering chill, bold tulips begin to bloom vibrant, colourful, and full of promise. You are one of the master gardeners, competing to create the most admired tulip garden of the season. Every choice you make, each landscape, windmill raised, and each thoughtfully arranged flowers will bring you closer to perfection. Plan with care, cultivate with style, and let your tulip tapestry shine as the pride of the lowlands!
Told you.
In Frosted Blooms, players compete to create the most harmonious and valuable tulip garden over the course of 10 rounds. Each turn, you'll: Select a Landscape tile from the market, add it to your garden, play a Landscape card from your hand to score based on patterns. And, if you enclose empty spaces, fill them with Workers, Barns, or Windmills for big end-game bonuses. By creating specific groups in your garden, and adding certain features, you can fulfil objectives that score additional points at the end of the game. At the end of 10 rounds, the player with the most points win the game! This is where you need to be to get involved.
That’s your whack this week, pet. Hopefully that’s enough to keep you busy until the next episode of Revenge of The Board Hoard (and yes, I’m going to keep calling it that from now on). It’s good to be back.
About the author:
Steve is currently a freelance board game blogger, but often dreams of life as a pirate, or as a ghost herder in the Lake District, or as an evil estate agent who sells haunted houses for his own dark pleasure. Instead of figuring out how to do these jobs in real life like a normal lunatic, he tries to write about them instead, and releases the resultant books upon the unsuspecting world via famous digital bookstores. More books are bound to follow. Find this peculiar entity here: www.instagram.com/positively.board
